Gratitude looks a little different when you’re raising tweens. Once upon a time, Thanksgiving was all construction paper turkeys with handprint feathers, little lists scrawled in crayon: “I’m thankful for Mommy, Daddy, my dog, candy, and Legos.” Easy. Sweet. Straightforward.
Now, with twelve-year-olds under my roof, “gratitude” is no longer a tidy worksheet activity or a moment of bedtime prayer before they drift off to sleep. Gratitude has grown moodier, more complicated, and—if I’m being honest—sometimes harder to spot. But just because it looks different doesn’t mean it isn’t there. In fact, I’m learning that gratitude in the tween years is a deeper, more honest kind of thankfulness than anything we’ve known before.
The Vanishing “Thank You”
The first clue that gratitude changes in the tween years? The disappearing thank you.
I remember when the kids used to squeal with delight at a Happy Meal toy or glow when someone complimented their artwork. Gratitude was loud and visible. Now? I hand my Jase his favorite sports drink after practice and get a quiet nod. I spend hours driving the girls to activities and hear a muffled “thanks” over TikTok audio. Sometimes there’s no “thanks” at all—just silence.
It can feel like gratitude evaporated somewhere between age nine and twelve. But I’ve come to realize it hasn’t disappeared—it’s just been translated. Tweens aren’t always comfortable showing their feelings, and they’re wrestling with independence, self-consciousness, and big emotions. Gratitude hides itself in smaller gestures, subtle acknowledgments, and unspoken trust.
Gratitude in Code
Tweens have a way of speaking in code, and gratitude slips into those secret languages too.
For Jase, gratitude shows up when he lies in bed next to me after a long day. He doesn’t say he’s thankful, but his presence means, You’re my safe place.
For Henley, gratitude is singing Taylor Swift in the car with me—rolling her eyes at first, then belting every word. That shared joy? That’s her way of saying, Thanks for knowing what I love and entering my world.
For Sadie, gratitude peeks out when she shares the tiniest detail from her day, like who sat by her at lunch. The fact that she lets me in, even a little, is a gift.
Tweens don’t write “I’m thankful for my family” in marker anymore. They show it in how they still orbit us, even while testing their wings.
Gratitude and Growing Pains
The tween years are a collision of childhood innocence and teenage independence. Gratitude gets tangled in that storm.
Sometimes they feel entitled. Sometimes they compare themselves to friends and only see what they lack. Sometimes gratitude is drowned out by hormones, slammed doors, and endless debates about screen time.
But here’s the surprising thing: the harder gratitude is to see, the more powerful it becomes when it surfaces. When Henley whispered “Thanks for making dinner” one night, I nearly cried—not because she’d never appreciated it before, but because saying it out loud cost her something. It meant she noticed. It meant she pushed through her self-focus and recognized someone else. In the tween years, gratitude isn’t cheap. It’s earned.
Gratitude as Empathy
One of the most beautiful shifts in the tween years is how gratitude begins to grow outward, toward empathy.
It’s clumsy and not always consistent, but it’s happening. They’re beginning to see the web of people around them, and gratitude is expanding beyond their own small circle of needs. It’s not always polite words—it’s awareness, acknowledgment, and sometimes even action. Gratitude is turning them into people who can look outside themselves, and isn’t that the whole point?
The Parent’s Perspective
If I’m honest, gratitude in the tween years stretches us as parents, too.
It forces us to lower our expectations of constant sweetness. We can’t rely on handwritten lists or big hugs as proof our kids are grateful. Instead, we have to pay attention, looking for the quieter cues. We have to remind ourselves that gratitude is often delayed—our kids may not say thank you today, but years from now they’ll remember.
And gratitude challenges us to model what we want to see. When I thank Matt in front of the kids for making dinner, when I tell them how grateful I am for their help, when I share out loud what I’m thankful for in my own messy, midlife days—they see it. They learn it. Gratitude becomes part of the air they breathe.
Nurturing Gratitude in the Tween Years
So how do we help gratitude grow in these years when moods and hormones run the show? A few small things have worked in our house:
- Notice the little signs. A smile, a shared joke, a request to hang out together—these are gratitude in disguise.
- Model gratitude daily. Say thanks to your kids, your spouse, your friends. Let them see that gratitude is normal, not forced.
- Create rituals. A family dinner gratitude check-in, a quick text of thanks, a bedtime reflection. Rituals make gratitude a habit.
- Give them space. Tweens may not want to gush, but they often circle back later. Let gratitude unfold on their timeline.
- Encourage empathy. Point out when others serve them, and invite them to express thanks. Gratitude grows with awareness.
It’s not perfect, but neither are tweens—or parents. Gratitude is less about polished manners and more about noticing what matters.
Closing Thoughts
Gratitude in the tween years is not simple. It’s not always obvious. It’s messy, subtle, and often late to the party. But it’s also real.
As I watch my kids grow, I see gratitude shaping them into thoughtful, empathetic people—even if it doesn’t sound like “thank you” every time. Gratitude is in their laughter, their trust, their presence, their whispered thanks at the end of a long day.
And maybe that’s the gift of these years: learning to find gratitude not just in what’s said, but in what’s lived.
Fry, Party of Five 