Welcome to the moody middle ground of motherhood, where your once-sweet child has become a now taller than you critic with zero filter and a master’s degree in Eye Rolling. I love my tween, truly—but wow, the commentary is constant and deeply unasked for. So in the spirit of solidarity (and humor), I give you:
1. “You should never wear that outfit again.”
Listen, I was just trying to be comfy and slightly cute. But apparently my ribbed tank and high-waisted shorts combo is a crime against humanity. Duly noted.
2. “Why do you have TikTok? That’s so embarrassing.”
I downloaded it to keep up, maybe find a cozy recipe or two… but apparently, my mere existence on the app is a direct attack on Gen Z dignity. Heaven forbid I enjoy a little cottagecore content without ruining their algorithm.
3. “Why do you talk to the dog like that?”
Because he loves me unconditionally and doesn’t critique my emotional tone.
4. “You laugh too loud in public.”
Oh, I’m sorry—should I stifle all joy to maintain your coolness rating in the Target checkout line?
5. “You sing like, kinda okay… but like, not good.”
Thank you, Simon Cowell. I was under the illusion that car concerts were judgment-free zones.
6. “You’re too obsessed with candles. It’s weird.”
First of all, how dare you. Second of all, my bergamot-vanilla sanctuary is the only thing standing between me and a full mom meltdown.
7. “You ask too many questions.”
I’m sorry for being invested in your life, your friendships, your mental health, and your current obsession with overpriced Ulta everything. My bad.
8. “That’s not how people use emojis anymore.”
Apparently, I’ve committed emoji crimes. Too many hearts, not enough irony. “Cringe,” they whispered, as I cried into my ☕️📚🧡 aesthetic.
9. “Stop saying ‘vibe.’ It doesn’t sound right when you say it.”
Cool cool cool. Just me out here ruining language again.
10. “You don’t need to narrate everything.”
I do, in fact, need to narrate everything, because if I don’t say it out loud, I’ll forget why I walked into the room. This is survival, sweetheart.
11. “You’re not really funny, you just think you are.”
Ouch. But also—did I not carry you (and your brother and sister) in my belly and survive toddler tantrums in triplicate without running away to a yurt in Montana?
12. “You get, like, way too excited about fall.”
Oh really? Well maybe I am too excited about pumpkin spice, crunchy leaves, and the scent of “Cozy Flannel Dreams.” But guess who still gets hot cocoa on chilly mornings? That’s right. The Fall Queen, that’s who.
Final Thoughts (That No One Asked For):
I know one day I’ll miss the sass, the side-eye, the deeply unfiltered commentary. For now, I’ll keep the receipts—and the eye rolls—and laugh through the chaos. After all, if parenting tweens has taught me anything, it’s that humility comes free with the gig… and sometimes, so does brutal fashion advice.
Let the unsolicited opinions roll on. I’ll be over here, in my “embarrassing” outfit, lighting my candle, and vibing exactly how I want to.
Fry, Party of Five 
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